You’ve probably experienced this before, sharing something meaningful with someone, only to notice their eyes darting back and forth from eye contact with you to their buzzing phone. They nod, look interested but their attention is split. You finish speaking and they have no reminisce of what was said the entire time you spoke to them. The response of silence is telling that they didn’t hear anything you’ve said.
In an age of constant and instant connection, we’re losing the main component of real connections, active listening…
What Is Active Listening– And Where Did It Go?
Active listening isn’t just hearing. It’s a skill– and act of presence. It means eliminating distractions, making eye contact, pausing to understand before responding. It involves listening to understand not just giving empty replies to making sure your voice is being heard but that the speaker is… heard.
Once a part of daily life, long conversations over dinner, phone calls without glowing screens in the background. But in the digital age, listening is speedily becoming rare with our brains split between pings, pop-ups, and posts.
We scroll while on the phone with others, send text messages during meetings and multitask ourselves into missing each other. There’s a cost that comes with not listening like the hidden fees of credit card payments.
These costs affect relationships, our empathy to others and our mental health. Studies show that when people feel unheard, they feel disconnected and invalidated. Whether it’s your partner, child, co-worker, or friend–when you aren’t listening, the other person knows and over time the disconnect grows. While the world is shouting for attention, true listening feels like a gift and gifts not given are opportunities lost.
How to Relearn the Lost Art
It’s not about rejecting technology altogether, it’s about reclaiming intention and making the best choice. Here are a few ways to start:
- Being fully present: Turn phone face down, closing the laptop, and making eye contact as a form of nonverbal communication. Side Note: We communicate more non verbally than verbally and it’s more effective than verbal communication. More telling!
- Use the 3 second pause( don’t pause too long and do not count to three in your head just flow): After someone speaks, pausing for three seconds before replying, shows you’re thinking and not just waiting to talk. Remember no show of hands or odd facial expressions, just a few quick nods and confirming words go a long way.
- Reflect Back: “What I understand you’re saying is…” Build the bridges and create the connection, no fire starters.
- Limit Multitasking: Focus on one person, one conversation, one moment at a time. How do you think ants build mounds and humans build pyramids? Simple one task at a time.
- Schedule “ Listening Time”: On date nights or meetings, set time for real undistracted talks. I’ve witnessed people light up like a firefly because they feel cared for by actively listening.
Tech That Doesn’t Hurt but Helps
Tech shouldn’t be harmful to listening and connecting humanity. Here are some apps and platforms that encourage presence:
- Forest App – Stay off your phone by growing a virtual tree.
- Voxer or Marco Polo – Send real-time voice/video updates for deeper connection.
- Podcasts – Encourage long– form listening and storytelling.
The key is in how you use it, not what you use!
Become a listening leader and not just the leader that reads books but can read the room as well. What would happen if we each became better listeners? If we gave just one person our full attention today?
I have a challenge for you if you have read this far to the end. Go 24 hours without interrupting. Listen longer. Ask follow up questions. Watch what shifts in your relationships.
Listening isn’t passive . It’s a powerful, intention art and it’s time we make it a priority for building greater connections than the internet has given us.
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